Sunday, July 6, 2008

How to give your cat a pill

How to give your cat a pill: A funny

Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.

With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. Drop pill into mouth.

Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Call spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.

Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water down throat to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.

Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.

Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).

Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.

Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours.

Arrange for SPCA to get cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

This is almost how it went today worming our three cats. The first cat is big and overweight. She hated it and almost bit me. Of course she had to have 2 pills. Then the middle cat, only had to have 1 and she was the hardest. Not only did she scratch us and keep spitting it out, but she drooled a huge gross drool forever. Then the third cat Jack, he had one and a half, but he was easy. We tried the middle cat again, got it in and we thought down, but she barfed it up. Then she drooled again forever. I don't know if it was the butter on it or just the pill alone that made her sick. Now I don't know what to do and I have lots of drool to clean up. Good grief!


Bonnie said...

Oh my gosh, too funny, being the owner of 2 cats I can totally relate! I literally sit on top of my older cat, grab his head from behind, use your technique of prying open the mouth, and fling it in before he can gag it back up. I haven't had to pill my other one, thank goodness, as I believe he might be the devil incarnate if we had to. Let's just say he busted out of the cage he was in when my husband was first bringing him home in the car and pee'd on his seat. Otherwise, he's a really sweetie! Cats are FREAKS! Stay safe and hope it gets easier!
Thanks for visiting my blog!

Anonymous said...

I don't know whether to laugh or to say poor you!

I give ours liquid. :)


Maddy said...

Dearie me. I shall never complain about the children's medication again, at least mine don't have claws.

Anonymous said...

Oh. my. gosh.

mommy~dearest said...

Ohmigod, I was laughing hysterically!

Seriously though, they make a kitty pill-popper. I use one with my cat. It's a long stick thingy, you put the pill in the end of it, aim for the "triangle" at the back of their throat, push the plunger, and voila! Really- you need to get one. Ask a local vet. :)